Donuts and Goodbyes: Why Emotional Coping Shouldn’t Be Sugar-Coated
Julie is almost four, and while she generally enjoys her time at the childcare centre, there are days when separation is difficult. On those mornings, she clings a little tighter and asks her mom to stay. In response, her mother gently distracts her with a familiar offer: “If you go now, when I pick you up, we’ll stop and get your favourite donut. Which one will you choose today—the one with chocolate?”
The strategy works. Julie’s tears fade, and she walks into the playroom. Throughout the day, she tells her friends about the donut she’s going to get after school.
At first glance, it seems like a harmless solution—a sweet reward to ease the morning transition. After all, what’s the harm in an occasional donut?
But beneath this quick remedy lies a subtle but significant pattern worth pausing to consider.
When Food Becomes a Shortcut for Emotion
Julie’s hesitation to say goodbye and her excitement about getting a donut are two entirely separate experiences. When food is introduced as a fix, the emotional moment—her discomfort with separation—is bypassed.
Over time, if this pattern repeats, Julie may begin to associate emotional relief with eating. The original feeling—the sadness or anxiety about her mom leaving—goes unacknowledged, and the root of the discomfort remains untouched.
As she grows, this can quietly evolve into an automatic response: turning to food when emotions feel too big. A quick remedy becomes a lasting habit.
The Goal Is Not to Eliminate Treats
This isn’t to say that donut outings should be off-limits. Sharing food can be joyful and connective. The concern is when food becomes the default tool to manage emotions—particularly during the formative years when emotional habits are being shaped.
Instead, these moments can become valuable opportunities to teach emotional awareness and coping skills.
A Gentle Shift: What Julie’s Mom Could Try
- Acknowledge the feeling: “I can see that you want to stay with mommy.”
- Name the emotion: “It looks like you're feeling a little sad right now.”
- Offer a future point of connection (non-food-based): “When I come pick you up, let’s go try the new swings at the park together.”
These approaches support Julie in learning that all feelings are valid—and manageable. She doesn’t need to escape her emotions; she can move through them with care and connection.
In Conclusion
Quick remedies often feel helpful in the moment, especially during rushed goodbyes. But small changes in how we respond to our children’s emotions can have a profound long-term impact. When we resist the urge to distract and instead choose to connect, we help our children build lifelong emotional resilience.
Related reading: Teaching Emotional Resilience: Letting Children Feel Their Feelings · What Happened to Sadness? Helping Children Feel What They Feel · Imperfect Parenting: How Repair Builds Trust
