Why Children Thrive When Parents are consistent

Consistency is Love in Action

Many years ago, when I was working directly with children, I joined a group of them at lunch. As they were eating, a four-year-old named Amelia looked up from her plate and asked me, “Freshteh, are you a mommy?”

At the time, I was not married. I answered honestly, “No, I am not.” Amelia paused thoughtfully, then smiled and said, “Oh, I think you would be a good mommy!”

Her comment has stayed with me. For a child to make such a statement, she must already have had some understanding of what makes a “good mommy” and compared me to those standards.

But that isn’t the point of this story. What stood out most to me about Amelia was her nature. She often pushed boundaries—testing, questioning, exploring limits. And yet, what made our relationship strong was the clarity and consistency of expectations I held for her. She knew I loved her unconditionally, and at the same time she knew I had high expectations of her. I was consistent with those boundaries, they were clear and unwavering, and Amelia learned what to expect in her interactions with me.

Through that consistency, Amelia began to develop important foundational skills: delaying gratification, regulating her emotions, and experiencing a sense of mastery when navigating everyday challenges. She learned that boundaries were not walls to confine her, but guidelines to help her grow.

Over the years, I have noticed that many parents struggle with consistency, especially when it comes to maintaining boundaries. One of the most common reasons is the fear that saying no or setting limits will cause their child to feel unloved or to withdraw their affection. It can feel like love and boundaries are opposites—but in truth, they are deeply connected.

When children experience both unconditional love and consistent boundaries, they gain a deep sense of security. They learn that their parents are steady and reliable, and that love is not dependent on behavior, but is accompanied by guidance that prepares them for the world.

Consistency is not rigidity—it is love in action. It says: I believe in you. I see your potential. And I will walk beside you as you learn to navigate life’s challenges.

At Formative Years, I help parents bring this balance of love and consistency into their daily lives. If you’d like support in creating boundaries that nurture resilience, confidence, and emotional security, I invite you to connect with me for a complimentary 15-minute meet and greet at formativeyears.ca.

Together, we can give children the foundation they need to thrive.