When to Offer Choices and When to Set Limits

Choices vs. Boundaries: What Young Children Really Need

Jackie is a toddler. At pick-up time, her mother arrives at the childcare centre and asks, “Do you want to go home?” Jackie shakes her head. Her mother smiles and says, “Okay, you can play a little longer.”

Ten minutes later, the same question is asked, and Jackie gives the same answer. Another ten minutes pass. Finally, after about thirty minutes, her mother asks again. This time, when Jackie shakes her head, her mother says, “No, we have to go now.”

Jackie is understandably upset. She cries, resists, and eventually must be carried out of the centre in tears.

This scenario is familiar to many parents. It highlights one of the most common parenting struggles: when should children be given a choice, and when do they need clear, loving boundaries?

Young children thrive on predictability and clarity. While offering choices can be empowering, not all moments are appropriate for decision-making—especially when the adult has already decided what needs to happen. In Jackie’s case, pick-up time was not truly a choice. Her mother intended to go home, yet the repeated question suggested otherwise. Each time Jackie was asked, she was led to believe that staying was an option. When that option was suddenly removed, her distress made sense.

For toddlers, this can feel confusing and even unfair. They are still developing emotional regulation and rely on adults to help them navigate transitions. When boundaries shift unexpectedly, children often express their frustration through tears or resistance.

A more supportive approach is to set a clear, kind boundary from the beginning. Instead of asking, “Do you want to go home?” a parent might say, “It’s time to go home now. You can choose to put your shoes on yourself or I can help you.” In this way, the child is not asked to decide whether to leave but is given age-appropriate control within the boundary.

Clear boundaries are not harsh; they are reassuring. They communicate safety, consistency, and leadership. When paired with empathy—acknowledging that leaving is hard—they help children move through transitions with greater trust and fewer tears.

If you ever find yourself unsure whether a moment calls for a choice or a boundary, you’re not alone. To support parents navigating this balance, I’ve created a free resource that clearly outlines when to set boundaries and when to offer choices for children ages 2–8, with practical, everyday examples you can use right away.

You can access this free resource directly on my website.
It’s designed to help you feel more confident, reduce daily power struggles, and support your child’s emotional growth with clarity and compassion.