“What Happened to Sadness? Helping Children Feel What They Feel”
When Goodbye Brings Tears: Supporting Children Through Sadness with Compassion and Understanding
Two-year-old Sally had just returned home after spending two joyful weeks with her grandparents and uncles over the holidays. Her world had been filled with laughter, love, and a flurry of affectionate attention—a rare and precious time, as she lives far from extended family. Back in her quiet home, the transition was subtle but profound.
One afternoon, while watching a children’s show, Sally encountered a scene where the characters were saying goodbye. To her parents’ surprise, she burst into tears—deep, heartfelt sobs that couldn’t be easily soothed.
Moments later, a concerned grandmother called to check in. When she learned about Sally’s tears, she lovingly asked to speak with her. With warmth and playful familiarity, she gently shifted the conversation to lighter, happier topics—hoping to lift Sally’s spirits. Her response, though heartfelt, reflected an instinct to ease discomfort rather than explore it—an act of love that unintentionally sidestepped the sadness Sally was still holding.
This small yet powerful moment captures a common but often overlooked parenting dilemma: witnessing our child in pain and instinctively wanting to rescue them from it.
As parents and grandparents, we want to protect our children from discomfort. Sadness in little ones often feels unbearable to us, and our first impulse is to distract, cheer up, or “fix it.” But what if we saw these moments not as problems to solve, but as opportunities to guide our children through the natural terrain of human emotion?
Sally’s tears were not a sign of distress that needed to be erased—they were a meaningful and healthy emotional response. She had experienced a difficult goodbye just the day before, and when she saw a similar moment on screen, she connected deeply. Her tears were an act of empathy, memory, and emotional understanding.
In early childhood, these emotional experiences—when acknowledged and supported—can help lay the foundation for emotional intelligence. Research has shown that the way parents talk about and respond to emotions plays a critical role in a child’s overall development. Psychologist John Gottman identified two key styles: Emotion Coaching and Emotion Dismissing.
Emotion-coaching parents respond to their children’s feelings with empathy and curiosity. They view emotions—even difficult ones—as teachable moments. In contrast, emotion-dismissing parents might minimize or ignore emotional expressions, inadvertently sending the message that such feelings are unwelcome or unimportant.
Children raised with emotional coaching tend to develop greater resilience, stronger social connections, and a healthier sense of self. These children learn that emotions are valid, manageable, and meaningful.
Returning to Sally’s story, the ideal response to her tears might begin with gentle acknowledgment:
"I see you’re crying. That goodbye scene made you feel sad. You’re missing grandma and grandpa, aren’t you?"
By validating her sadness and connecting it to her lived experience, her parents would help her make sense of her emotions. Naming the feeling and linking it to her recent goodbye offers comfort and understanding.
The next step is to support her in finding ways to cope. In this case, her grandmother’s call wasn’t merely a distraction—it modeled a simple, loving strategy for self-regulation. A parent might frame it like this:
"It’s hard when people we love live far away. But maybe we can call grandma and grandpa and tell them how much we miss them."
In doing so, the adult doesn't rush the child away from their sadness but instead gently walks alongside them, offering tools to manage and process their feelings.
The goal is not to shield children from sadness but to teach them that it is okay to feel—and that they are never alone in those feelings. With patience, presence, and empathy, we help our children build the emotional muscles they’ll need for life.
And sometimes, all it takes is one thoughtful conversation, one moment of shared emotion, to let a child know: your feelings matter, and I’m here with you.
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