Normalizing Oops mistakes!
Helping Children Navigate Mistakes, Shame, and Emotional Upsets
The other day, we hosted relatives for dinner—a couple with a five-year-old daughter. She was inquisitive, sociable, and demonstrated impressive behavioural regulation for her age. Every time she wanted to join the conversation, she raised her hand, waited patiently, and expressed herself with clarity and confidence. She also listened actively—truly mature skills for someone so young!
During dinner, she was seated next to her father. At one point, she accidentally knocked over his drink and immediately burst into tears, crying, “Oh no, oh no, look what I’ve done!”
Her mother rushed to comfort her and assured her everything was fine—that it was no big deal and she didn’t need to be upset. Still, the child continued crying and seemed inconsolable despite her mother’s kind words.
As I observed this, it was clear to me that the child was experiencing embarrassment and shame. No amount of “It’s okay!”—even when said lovingly—was going to erase the intense emotion she was feeling.
Shame is one of our most primitive emotions and often underlies feelings of “I’m not good enough” and perfectionism. Children experience shame frequently, and it’s essential to recognize it and help them work through it.
I found it fascinating that a child who had earlier displayed such self-confidence suddenly seemed to have no tools to cope with a simple, honest mistake.
As the host, I gently stepped in and said, “You accidentally knocked over the water, and it’s okay to feel upset about it.” She continued to cry.
I went on, “Sometimes these things happen. It looks like this really surprised you.” Then, I labeled the feeling she might be experiencing: “Maybe you’re feeling embarrassed. Let’s see how we can solve this problem.”
I got a towel and cleaned up the water while she watched me. By the time I finished, she had stopped crying. I smiled at her and said, “We solved the problem!”
This situation reminded me how important it is to normalize mistakes. Children need to learn that failure is part of life and that they can recover from it—a foundational part of developing a growth mindset.
In this example, the child’s distress likely came from two powerful emotions:
Fear of judgment or not being good enough (perfectionism)
Embarrassment and shame over the mistake
Both of these are overwhelming for a young child who hasn’t yet learned how to navigate them.
How You Can Help Your Child Become More Resilient
Here are a few strategies to support your child through similar situations:
Stay calm and avoid reacting strongly when an accident happens. Reacting with frustration teaches children that mistakes are dangerous or unacceptable.
Allow your child to feel upset. It’s okay for them to sit with uncomfortable emotions for a little while.
Acknowledge their feelings. Say things like, “I can see you’re really upset,” or “It’s okay to feel that way.”
Encourage problem-solving. Try, “Let’s see how we can solve this problem together.”
Share your own experiences. Talk about mistakes you’ve made and how you felt, e.g., “I was really frustrated when I spilled my coffee, but I cleaned it up and moved on.”
Label emotions after your child has calmed down: “I wonder if what you felt was embarrassment?” This builds emotional vocabulary and self-awareness.
In Conclusion
When we avoid overreacting to mistakes and instead model self-regulation and calm problem-solving, we teach children that mistakes and failures are a normal part of life. It’s okay to be upset at first—what matters is how we move forward.
Experiencing negative emotions is part of growing up. We don’t need to rush children toward positivity. Allowing them to sit with their feelings, then guiding them through reflection and repair, builds long-term emotional strength.
If you'd like support around parenting challenges like this one, I’d love to work with you. You can reach me at freshteh@formativeyears.ca.